Brutally Honest Truth: Grade 12

Let me introduce y’all to someone: an officially almost 18-year-old me! *high five buat yang seangkatan*

Kalau kamu mengikuti blog ini sejak awal banget, berarti kamu sudah membaca sejak umurku masih dua belas. Krucil banget ya, hehehe. Enam tahun berlalu… no, not gonna say flies so fast because honestly I can feel how slow the progress of six years is, if seeing it as bigger picture, as a whole, not just where I am currently standing.

Each year was both lesson and fun! Yang menggelitik adalah kenyataan bahwa tahun ini aku tidak lagi ‘bersekolah’. The end is here. Good bye sekolah menengah.

Jadi, ehm, let’s start it more properly: halo semuanya.

(Sekarang, aku lagi dengar lagu Manhattan-Sara Barailles. BAGUS BANGET. Hatiku teriris, Babes. You can have Manhattan ‘cause I can’t have you. Dia nyanyi pke ht bat s. ((gaya ngechatq)))

Okay, let’s sum up the last tahun ajaran. Aku buanyak belajar tentang survival. I survived those all, and I guess I can survive anything (diadaptasi dari quote “If you can get over heartbreak, you can get over anything” yang my GOD I’M SO TOUCHED tapi ya katanya bener lho percaya gak!).

Sebelum masuk kelas 12 tuh aku uring-uringan banget karena I did lost like, e v e r y t h i n g. Pasti enggak percaya, but really, I meant it. If you read my earlier post, you’ll know how I made the most out of eleventh grade. All I thought back then was bitch it’s all gonna pass and be blurry memory someday so why not risk it all?

And I did. I didn’t regret even one thing. Even what shattered me. Buatku, rasa sakit itu satu bagian dari pembelajaran. Suka atau tidak, it’s going to be there, and you gotta deal with that. Pain shaped me into who I am now and I completely like the whole new me.

Seorang teman meyakinkanku kalau kelas 12 masih bisa berbahagia, kok. Enggak serta merta ujian tulis dan ujian hidup. Fast forward ke JULI 2018… aku merasa extremely uncomfortable with… BASICALLY EVERYTHING. Maaf banget ya, I can’t get into the details karena bisa menyinggung sejumlah ekosistem (korban UTBK), tapi yang jelas I was not in familiar surrounding and state of mind and feelings AND adaptation usually takes 4 months for me… but this time it was much longer.

Sampai aku sering mikir, “Till when?”

“It’s still not over yet?”

“I can’t be me. I can’t see myself here.”

Pernah enggak sih merasa hidup itu panjang tapi kamu tersesat di satu titik terburuk? Masalahnya, kamu enggak tahu cara keluar selain menunggu. Jadi aku menunggu dan merana, wow, sounded like another post-breakup sentence. Aku sebenarnya enggak mau SMA cepat berakhir, tetapi berakhirnya SMA berarti berakhir pula rintangan ini.

Well, ever heard that miracle happens when you least expect it?

And here went my miracle.

Satu kesempatan yang kutolak berkali-kali tidak menyerah mengetuk pintu. Satu kesempatan yang akhirnya aku ambil, my other last-minute big decision, dan aku benar-benar bersyukur buat itu. Kesempatan yang membuat hidupku menjadi roller coaster yang berfungsi normal… not the kind that only goes up. Kesempatan yang mengantarkanku pada dunia yang lain, manusia-manusia lain, acara-acara lain, yang buat aku betah tinggal.

Dan sekarang, God, I look back and see the final picture. Something pretty. Indescribably moving. Call me cliché but everything takes time, in the most literal way. Extreme happiness can only be achieved after going through the same depth level of sadness. And madness, too.

My last year in high school was… messed. Just like my freshman and junior years. The only difference was I knew what the hell I was doing in grade 12. The prior years? Excessive ignorance. Keluar dari chaos hanya untuk menuju chaos yang lain, hehe. Tapi begitulah hidup, berputar di porosnya, tinggal hitung aja kecepatan sudutnya, omega sama dengan dua phi f HEHEHEH sorry babes.

Still, each mess taught me its lessons. I was slapped hard. And crushed crashed cracked torn burnt and anything. I was broken and dead dead dead. Funny, funny. How feeling dead does also mean feeling most alive. That’s the essence of life, isn’t it? To suffer and survive. (does that quote makes me sound like Shakespeare now?)

Aku enggak tahu apa yang akan ada di depan sana. Apapun itu, sure it is for the better me. I got Allah, what can be so difficult? (w0w padahal kalo susah dikit langsung nangis-nangis) (ih gapapa tapi yaaa nangisnya ke Tuhan!) (my God is bigger than my problems!)

Udah jam 6, nih. Ada job, hehe. Penasaran? Kapan-kapan, kalau semua udah terealisasi, insya Allah akan kuceritain. The details, too. Sekian yaaa kisahku kali ini. Semoga bisa diambil hikmah dan hidayahnya. Huehehe. (TUH KAN AKU JADI NGELANTUR NIH KELAMAAN ENGGAK NULIS FORMAL. Makanya aku lebih banyak ngetik in English di sini.)

Whatever is ahead, whether you like it or not, remember: you are always ready. Even when you think you’re not.

All the loves, my beloved readers! <3
Ninda