I don't know about you, but I'm feeling twenty, too!

Again, another June.

Weird that in other platforms I usually have the main ideas first and then expand them into a post later, but in this blog… it’s more of “Well, time to give the readers a random glimpse of how I’ve been doing lately, I guess?” TLDR: please forgive me for writing like a mess.

In case you missed it: I was born in June. I’ll be, like, twenty-something this month (if I survive). Exactly twenty, I meant. God, 20. 20????????? I’m closer to singing “YEAH WE’RE HAPPY FREE CONFUSED AND LONELY AT THE SAME TIME” instead of “It’s your freshman year and you’re gonna be here for the rest of the year in this town”????!!!!

(Reference: it’s 22-Taylor Swift, and Fifteen-Taylor Swift)

Did I say that in an ‘absolutely excited’ way? I assure you, nope. It’s more of like… tawakkal, acceptance. For so long, I despise the fact that I am growing old and no longer gonna be seventeen right after June 2019 because… 17 (it’s my school! And a special year, too) was really something. (It’s fearless!)

And if you noticed, yes, I am a BIG, HUGE fan of Taylor Swift. I hope I don’t sound like another seasonal self-proclaimed fan (OFC there’s nothing wrong with being that, but just for record I have loved her since the first time I heard “she wears high heels, I wear sneakers—she’s cheer captain and I’m on the bleachers” back in grade 6). And if you wonder which song I love the most of her latest sister albums, it’s Evermore and August! Judge my taste, time is yours.

About my life, here we go:

Update #1: Fourth semester is done! Whoa, I have been here for two years precisely. Wonderful, ah? I finally no longer panic whenever I see medical films (it’s a long story why I felt that way, maybe another time, another life? :D). I didn’t pass this semester with flying colours nor oh-so-flawlessly, but I can say I am happy to finally stand on this ground, on my own feet. So blessed.

Anyways, we learned Endocrine, Cardiology, Respiratory, and Digestive these latest 6 months… and guess to whom I fell in love with? Cardiology! <3 It’s just so fascinating that I am willingly spin into its beautiful spiral, puzzling labyrinth, intricate challenges. It’s beautiful, you know, that our heart beats. And sometimes skips a beat. Or beats so fast, with rushed adrenalines and inexplainable fear. Or excitement.

Update #2: I have (almost) completely dealt with all my demons! I don’t speak about that often nor out loud, but it was there. And felt horrible. Imagine you grow up hating circus so you look for the best ways to avoid it. But one fine day, sunny and no warning signs, SNAP: you become a clown! And you can’t stop being one because that’s suddenly you new identity.

Yeah, that pretty much describes how I felt (even though not so close). I don’t want to get into details because it can trigger the old crippling anxiety that I have put not-so-far behind. All in all, thank God I now can enjoy being myself. I love myself, you know, despite her scruffiness.

Update #3: I used to think I would never find another extreme delight beyond high school, and I was right. Where again can I have the thrills as in unravelling all my firsts? First-time celebrating post-exams to cafés and malls. First-time going home after maghrib, still in uniform, due to dancing practices. First-time getting chance to be a dancer in front of 1000 people when you’re not even popular. First-time meeting someone you thought you’d spend the rest of 18.000 days with. First night car rides, going home past 00:00 and though still sober, you felt like your bones demineralized.

Growing old was somehow incomprehensible, the song “Graduation” didn’t even make least sense. I wasn’t even capable of saying “I’m eighteen”/”I’m nineteen” by heart (I had to count how old I am :)). And guess what: the funny thing about belief is it sometimes can rust. Very slowly but surely, the truth disclosed.

That getting older doesn’t limit our ways to joy… as long as we believe that despite its inevitability, getting older is the best and the right thing to happen. Youth is fun, but deceiving, you know. It was fun but terrible at the same time because we were naïve. And I might go on much longer on this, but I’d better save it for another post.

And looking from another perspective, college might not give me a lot of pretty firsts, but it can be equally remarkable. Or even a lot more remarkable. Of course high school takes a very special, dear place in my heart, but it shall not diminish the value of new things coming up.

College gives me the opportunity to try things I used to stay away from. It gives me the courage of taking risks. High school was drowning me in the ocean and forcing me to swim, while college introduces me to another ocean and I already had this expertise (Trademark) so instead of gasping for air and almost dying hundred times, I am asked to swim nyambi grabbing fishes and defusing pukat harimau and sharing laugh with other swimmers, while expected to reach the ground safe and sound.

Different from high school? Yes. Less thrill? Sure. But is it not worth it? Is it not fun at all? I don’t think so! (And in fact, after getting out of my isolated phase for like 6 months: I don’t feel so.)

Update #4: I am grateful of where I’m standing now. Not necessarily in the peak of Burj Khalifa, but I feel so… enough. I am really, dearly grateful that I am now in a much better place than I was last year. No more overwhelming, unnecessary acute anxiety or scrambling sadness. Thank God, thank God. Now I can see clearly how I’m wrapped by love from family, and have good times with friends. (Aha, turns out I have friends! Thought I’d forever be super loner).

I used to say life is good when you really look, but sometimes we have looked up and down all around and still can’t manage to find the good, you know. So by now I change my motto back to this, too, shall pass.

I didn’t believe it for quite long, till one day I witnessed myself walking out of the woods. In the clear. The wolves disappear, the winter gone, twenty stitches in hospital room vanish. Suddenly I’m in spring, head crowned with flowers.

We don’t believe anything when we’re repeatedly crushed, but have faith, my dear.

Have that dear faith.

Still with all the love,

N